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The great man is he who does not lose his child's heart ...
There
are times when being a father feels like
he's feeding the hand that bites you.
A
Father is not someone to lean on,
but someone who makes leaning unnecessary.
A
Father is someone you look up to no matter how tall are.
To
be in your child's memories tomorrow ...
you have to be in their lives today.
There's
a special bathroom in Heaven for a father of girls!
Fathers
learn a lot from children about coping with life.
Fathers
don't bring up children anymore ...
they finance them!
You
can learn many things from children ...
how much patience you have, for instance.
Do Any Of These Sound Familiar To You?
"What part of NO don't you understand?"
"Do you think money grows on trees?"
"Do it to make your mother happy."
"Were
you raised in a barn? Close the door!"
"You
didn't beat me ... I let you win."
"Big
boys don't cry."
"Don't
worry ... it's only blood."
"Now
you listen to me, Buster!"
"Coffee
will stunt your growth."
"A
little dirt never hurt anyone ... just wipe it off."
"Who
ever said life was supposed to be fair?"
"You
call that a haircut?"
"Hey"
is for horses."
"This is going to hurt me a lot more than it will hurt you."
"Turn
off those lights! Do you want to make the electric company rich?"
"Don't
give me any of your lip, young lady."
"We're
not lost. "
"As
long as you live under my roof ...
you'll live by my rules."
"I'll
tell you why ... Because I said so! That's why!"
"What's
so funny? Wipe that smile off your face!"
"If
I've told you once ... I've told you a thousand times."
"Eat the crust it! It will put hair on your chest."
"Come
here ... pull my finger!"
"Stop
crying or I'll give you a reason to cry!"
"When
I was a kid we were so poor ...
I ate dirt and was glad to have it."
"You
have it so easy ... when I was your age...
I had to walk to school in 10 feet of snow
up hill both ways."
"What
do I look like... A bank?"
"I
hope I'm alive when your kids turn sixteen."
"If
you break your leg, don't come running to me."
Things
You'll Never Hear Dad Say
Well,
how 'bout that? I'm lost!
Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
You
know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen,
you'll be ready for un-chaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
I
noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like
that.
Here's
a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!
What
do you mean you wanna play football?
Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?
Your
mother and I are going away for the weekend.
You might want to consider throwing a party.
Well,
I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey
thingies-ya know-that makes it run or something.
Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
No
son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring.
Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
Whaddya
wanna go and get a job for?
I make plenty of money for you to spend.
Can
you turn up that music? It really calms my nerves.
You can't finish your peas? Go ahead and throw 'em away.
Here, you take the remote.
No, honey, sit this one out. I really can't wait to change that diaper.
As a matter of fact, let's both go get nose rings!
Hey, kids! Sit down at the table and try my vichyssoise.
Go ahead, take my car-and here's fifty bucks for gas.
Waiter! More ice cream for the little one!
What
do I want for my birthday?
Aahh, don't worry about that. It's no big deal.
(Okay, they might say that. But they don't mean it)
Top
10 Worst Pieces of Fatherly Advice
10.
Duct tape is the handyman's best friend
9.
Those black socks will look really keen with your new shorts.
8.
Girls dig armpit noises.
7.
Snakes are more afraid of you than you are of them.
6.
If you kiss her in front of her parents,
they'll know you mean business.
5.
You can drive with the fuel gauge way past empty.
4.
Your mother won't care; just get her the one thatıs on sale.
3.
Comfy breakfast nooks, elegant centerpieces you name it,
Martha Stewart is it.
2.
Training wheels and knee pads are for wimps.
1.
The best way to remove that tooth is to tie some string around it,
tie the other end to the door knob, and then ....
Simple
Rules For Dating My Daughter
1
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
2
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body,
I will remove them.
3
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age
to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear
to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult,
but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.
Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue,
so I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
4
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind will kill you.
Let me elaborate:
when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
5
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this.
The only information I require from you
is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
6
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl,
you will continue to date her until she is finished with you.
If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
7
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.
If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
8
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romance or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better
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